ThirtySomething

I haven’t had the best last few days.  Tumultuous as far as my emotions go.  I said a very strong prayer on Sunday…I was in a horrible mood mainly due to some family type issues.  Anyway.  We got out and I got to witness one of the. most. beautiful. rainbow’s. EVER!  I knew it was the Lord speaking to me. 

We were headed to my parents house to try and relax for the afternoon and the weather was nasty heading over there.  As we approached the road they live on the sun was peaking out through all the rain…I thought to myself that there has to be a rainbow around somewhere. 

As we turned into my parents driveway, we saw it.  It was completely amazing.  I was in complete awe.  Chris and I immediately started to take photos of it.  It was truly amazing.  It was amazing, if you have time, really look at those photo’s.  I know it won’t do it justice, but it was absolutely amazing!  :)

I thought to myself when I started my new blog I would not post about anything yucky.  I wanted it to show my good side ONLY!  LOL!  Hm.  Maybe that’s why I don’t blog all that much!  Well, I can’t keep this to myself right now….to the blog it goes.

So, after going to the concert last week, my past came into my mind like a train wreck.  I had a difficult childhood….maybe better than some but def. worse than others.  My sister was a crazy teen..she is 5 1/2 years older than me.  I won’t go into many of the boring (well, not so boring….but LOOONG) details of the MANY trials and tribulations my little family went through dealing with her.  No one knows difficult teen until they deal with someone like my sister.  My younger years were riddled with many trips to visit or take my sister to various substance abuse places, picking her up from places she found herself in trouble.  Waking up to her fighting with friends or my parents.  Waking up to her sobbing to my parents that she’s screwed up and needs help.  Waking up to her needing to be taken to the hospital b/c she was in a horrible accident and she was in so much shock she came home leaving the accident and crawling into bed, not realizing what had happened probably b/c she was so wasted at the time.  She had broken her jaw, torn off part of her ear and messed up her knee and needed surgery.  Ok, I said I wasn’t going to do that.  Anyway, most of my younger years was filled with agony and shame.  I honestly do not remember most of my youth because of it…a coping mechanism I am sure.  Friends will talk to me about things that we did or what have you and I just do not remember it.  I hate that.  I guess my mind took the good with the bad….but funny thing is, I feel like all I remember IS the bad.  She still hasn’t changed after all these years…she is in prison b/c of her drug/alcohol abuse.  She is supposedly getting out in September after serving 3 1/2 years of her 10 year sentence.

NKOTB was my solace amongst all the pain.  It was my way of submersing myself into something besides my family life…my parents did their very best with me.  But I got leftovers mostly from them.  But I was a good kid and they didn’t have to worry about me….I made sure of that too.  My therapist once asked me why was it sooo important to me to not upset my parents so much.  I didn’t have an answer then…but I think it’s b/c I could do that for them.  They had nothing but disappointment from my sister and most of their energy was used dealing with her shenanigans..the least *I* could do was not give them any problems…so I didn’t.  I still try hard to please them…and I know at this point I am not.  Heh, no job, homeless (thanks to my gracious inlaws that isn’t 100% true) and lost…how is that pleasing to any parent??  But at least I don’t drink or do drugs, right?   Going to that concert last week made me look at who I was back then, when I was 12-13 years old.  I remember being full of life, HUGE plans for my bright future.  I was fun-loving, I was joyful and I was for the most part happy and very much in love with the NKOTB! 

I don’t know where I lost the spark.  I don’t know where it went.  But I lost it big time and totally went down a very horrible way.  When NKOTB were out of the picture (I only stopped obsessing b/c it wasn’t cool anymore) I replaced my love with another.  He broke my heart big time.  BIG TIME.  Maybe that’s when the spark left.  After that I don’t remember feeling that joy I’d once had.  I don’t remember ever feeling so full of life after that.  I was sooo not happy anymore.  A lot of changes came my way in my college years.  I stifled my pain b/c I knew it was stupid and completely unhealthy to be hanging on to something…someone for so long.  I stifled my hurt b/c it was expected of me.  I had to move on.  I had to pick up the pieces of my heart and just move forward.  So, that’s what I did.  My biggest mistake was relying on one person to make me happy, to fill whatever void it was I was trying to fill.  That was  HUGE mistake!!!

So, now what.  Life moved forward too quickly.  All I can envision of myself is that I am trying to catch the life bus and I am holding onto the back of that bus and barely keeping on my feet running after it barely keeping up with it..barely touching it here and there with my finger tips.  I want that spark back.  My life is falling apart all around me…I can’t just sit back and watch it anymore.

and it was totally RAD!!!!!!!!  :D 

One of my dearest friends of all time invited me for the opportunity of a lifetime and I am so glad she did!!!!  We were best friends in middle school and fell in love for the first time…together (but not with each other).  It was magic.  :)  New Kids on the Block were HUGE for us back in the day.  I am shady of the details of how we became friends…but we did and I am so blessed to know her.  I loved Donnie, she loved Joey.  I wish I could find the photo’s I have of us from back in the day….one in particular she was visiting me (by this point I had moved to Maryland from North Carolina..where we met and she lives) one summer and it was probably at the very climax of the NKOTB craze.  I had posters galore covering the walls of my bedroom…I had puzzles, magazines, dolls, pins, you get the point.  My mom got an awesome photo of the two of us, I wanted Donnie in the photo with us by way of a pin…and she didn’t.  We were both laughing hysterically when my mom snapped the photo (Donnie remained…I was stronger) and it has to be one of my favorite photo’s of all time.  We had not a care in the world really.  Just two teenaged girls, head over heals for our guys from New Kids on the Block having a GREAT summer break.  We were looking into our final year of middle school and I don’t know about her, but I had high hopes for that year, and it ended up being a great year for me.  Well, through all the years we continued on as pen pals and seeing each other whenever possible and finally in college we lost touch with the exception of her coming to my wedding.  That was almost 9 years ago alone, so it had been years since we really spoke of saw each other.  She found me on MySpace last year and the rest has been history.  We decided to have a reunion and during our reunion we would see NKOTB on their reunion tour.  PERFECT!  And to make it even better we both got to touch our first loves.  I mean seriously, that was just completely awesome and a perfect way to conclude our reunion…something her and I will cherish together forever.  I will never forget it. 

After the concert, I kept thinking of ways to meet NKOTB and get to talk to them.  I really love their new CD and I was drooling over cruise tix and whatnot.  But in the end…I don’t want my memory of that night to fade by whatever else.  Because honestly, nothing will top that night with NKOTB for me.  Not even having “face-time” with my love, Donnie.  Yes, he’s hot, yes, he’s famous and yes he’s AWESOME…but if I met him in person, it wouldn’t change my life right now.  And then it could possibly ruin the feelings I have from the night I got to spend with my dear friend.  So, no…nothing will top that night with her.  I felt 13 again….we even dressed like we were back in the 80s.  It was just a fun night with no worries.  I was on a high from that night and it took me a while to come down from the clouds, but here I am.  I love NKOTB and Donnie forever.  And to my dearest friend, thank you so very much for a night that I will always remember…I will always remember the kindness you showed to me and my kids that week.  Thank you.  :)  This is not to say I won’t ever go back to a concert though…they are still lots of fun to watch!  :D

I do have many photo’s and video’s I could share on this blog….but for now I am not going to post ‘em…mainly b/c I am tired and it’s late.  But, I will end this with:  I LOVE DONNIE!  :) and maybe a photo or two:

I am so bad at keeping up with blogging, but I am trying.

Life took an interesting turn for us recently.  We moved!  It was a good move, I think…but any move is still stressful!  Which is what has kept me away from here. 

We celebrated Samantha’s 10th birthday today.  I cannot believe it was 10 years ago today that she came into this world.  A whopping 6 pounds on the nose and 18”.  She was a wee little one, and I fell in love with her at first sight…well, even before she was born, really.  She is my sister’s daughter, but I love her as if she were my own.  She is a beautiful little girl with a good heart.overshadowed by all the pain and heartache she has endured in her 10 years.  No one deserves the hand she’s been dealt, I just pray as she is entering a new phase of her life (tweens) that she can embrace who she is and get through these difficult years as smooth as any tween and teen can.  I pray she does not go down a destructive path and stays on the straight and narrow.  She is such a blessing to us all and a beauty.  Please keep her in your prayers, she could sure use them.

What else has been going on here.  OH!  Chris celebrated his 32nd birthday last week.  We had a good day.  After the kids went to school he and I had a day just being together and having some fun!  We played pool at lunch time (I do not claim to know what I am doing when I play pool, but I had fun!) and then later that evening we went out to dinner with the family, with cake and ice cream afterwards.  :)  It was a great day.

   

Fun was had by….most!  :P (Jack actually did have fun…he just didn’t look like it in the photo).

This week Jack has been ill with a mystery illness.  Started with a HIGH fever and he hasn’t been the same since.  We think he is on the mend, but we also thought that on Tuesday and Wednesday he was back to feeling bad again.  A dr. visit may be warrented if he isn’t feeling better tomorrow…it’s weird, it seems he’s feeling better and then he’s not and then he is and then he’s not.  We are going out of town (just me and the kids) on Monday, so I’d really like all of us to be healthy for the trip!  What a bummer it would be to be sick on vacation! 

So, I will leave you all today with a brag, this is a beautiful note Jack wrote to me the other day, he’s such a sweetheart!

Until…..