ThirtySomething

I thought to myself when I started my new blog I would not post about anything yucky.  I wanted it to show my good side ONLY!  LOL!  Hm.  Maybe that’s why I don’t blog all that much!  Well, I can’t keep this to myself right now….to the blog it goes.

So, after going to the concert last week, my past came into my mind like a train wreck.  I had a difficult childhood….maybe better than some but def. worse than others.  My sister was a crazy teen..she is 5 1/2 years older than me.  I won’t go into many of the boring (well, not so boring….but LOOONG) details of the MANY trials and tribulations my little family went through dealing with her.  No one knows difficult teen until they deal with someone like my sister.  My younger years were riddled with many trips to visit or take my sister to various substance abuse places, picking her up from places she found herself in trouble.  Waking up to her fighting with friends or my parents.  Waking up to her sobbing to my parents that she’s screwed up and needs help.  Waking up to her needing to be taken to the hospital b/c she was in a horrible accident and she was in so much shock she came home leaving the accident and crawling into bed, not realizing what had happened probably b/c she was so wasted at the time.  She had broken her jaw, torn off part of her ear and messed up her knee and needed surgery.  Ok, I said I wasn’t going to do that.  Anyway, most of my younger years was filled with agony and shame.  I honestly do not remember most of my youth because of it…a coping mechanism I am sure.  Friends will talk to me about things that we did or what have you and I just do not remember it.  I hate that.  I guess my mind took the good with the bad….but funny thing is, I feel like all I remember IS the bad.  She still hasn’t changed after all these years…she is in prison b/c of her drug/alcohol abuse.  She is supposedly getting out in September after serving 3 1/2 years of her 10 year sentence.

NKOTB was my solace amongst all the pain.  It was my way of submersing myself into something besides my family life…my parents did their very best with me.  But I got leftovers mostly from them.  But I was a good kid and they didn’t have to worry about me….I made sure of that too.  My therapist once asked me why was it sooo important to me to not upset my parents so much.  I didn’t have an answer then…but I think it’s b/c I could do that for them.  They had nothing but disappointment from my sister and most of their energy was used dealing with her shenanigans..the least *I* could do was not give them any problems…so I didn’t.  I still try hard to please them…and I know at this point I am not.  Heh, no job, homeless (thanks to my gracious inlaws that isn’t 100% true) and lost…how is that pleasing to any parent??  But at least I don’t drink or do drugs, right?   Going to that concert last week made me look at who I was back then, when I was 12-13 years old.  I remember being full of life, HUGE plans for my bright future.  I was fun-loving, I was joyful and I was for the most part happy and very much in love with the NKOTB! 

I don’t know where I lost the spark.  I don’t know where it went.  But I lost it big time and totally went down a very horrible way.  When NKOTB were out of the picture (I only stopped obsessing b/c it wasn’t cool anymore) I replaced my love with another.  He broke my heart big time.  BIG TIME.  Maybe that’s when the spark left.  After that I don’t remember feeling that joy I’d once had.  I don’t remember ever feeling so full of life after that.  I was sooo not happy anymore.  A lot of changes came my way in my college years.  I stifled my pain b/c I knew it was stupid and completely unhealthy to be hanging on to something…someone for so long.  I stifled my hurt b/c it was expected of me.  I had to move on.  I had to pick up the pieces of my heart and just move forward.  So, that’s what I did.  My biggest mistake was relying on one person to make me happy, to fill whatever void it was I was trying to fill.  That was  HUGE mistake!!!

So, now what.  Life moved forward too quickly.  All I can envision of myself is that I am trying to catch the life bus and I am holding onto the back of that bus and barely keeping on my feet running after it barely keeping up with it..barely touching it here and there with my finger tips.  I want that spark back.  My life is falling apart all around me…I can’t just sit back and watch it anymore.